my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Randomize
