All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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