Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
