Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
