I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
