There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
