I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
