Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
