fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
