Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
