I love black thongs
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
