"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
