I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
