what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
