Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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