Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
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You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
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If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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