Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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