she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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