Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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