It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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