when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
