tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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