I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
