Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
did i just pee glitter
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
