I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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