I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
