Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
