A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
