nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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