my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
