The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
