can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
