guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
