I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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