I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
