and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
