I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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