Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
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Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
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red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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