i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
