i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
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