On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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