my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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