A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
