If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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