I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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