I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
