Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
