That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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