I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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