I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
