Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
