NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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