wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
